In Remembrance of Mr. Greaves
Mr. Palahniuk's assignment #6. Ashes to ashes and dust to more dust. A work in progress...
With Mr. Greaves' Blessings.
After cremation Mr. Greaves’ ashes weighed 5 pounds 10 ounces. Plenty of ash to go around. Mr. Greaves wanted his ashes to be honored in a way that was tastefully excessive, creative and so elaborate future generations will be inspired to carry on the memory of his memorial annually for years to come.
Mr. Randazza read aloud Mr. Greaves’ will and the disposition of final remains document pertaining to how the remains should be honored.
“My arm is to be outstretched, my middle finger extended, and I shall be fed into a high powered wood chipper that will grind me up into human lasagna and bone shrapnel to be spewed directly into the faces of an invading Black Friday horde as they force their way into a Wal-Mart.”1 Thy will be done, Sir.
Easy enough. Hail Satan.
Mr-Greaves-urn and friends are my newest clients. It took several days of serious negotiation but we have come to a solid agreement on exactly how Mr. Greaves’ ashes will be honored. As a seasoned grief counselor I sat with the grieving temple members to carefully an delicately negotiate price, location, budget, lighting, soundtrack, recording equipment, and timeline of our remembrance ceremony. Mr Greaves was and apparently still is a man of serious means and resource. Mr. Greaves’ remains are currently residing in a beautifully hand-crafted, hand-painted, one-of-kind wooden urn crafted by a few of his most fierce devotees. The urn beautifully highlights the silver accents found throughout the Satanic Temple. Mr Greaves’ urn; a wonderful accessory to accompany any stylish household shelf, couch, duvet or Grandmother’s hand-made quilt. The blood-red box is decorated with beautifully etched satanic haikus derived from Mr. Greaves’ darling psychotic fan mail. Poor Mr. Greaves. He patiently received and read mail from fans requesting a myriad of sex acts to be performed by him and given to him. Notes requesting that he provide a myriad of sexual favors, virgins, hot blondes, pussy, and wieners. One darling little devil worshiper decided it would be a good idea to hone in a few psychotic fan letters and turn them into haikus.
One notable satanic haiku reads:
My name is Leroy Hi
Suck my penis anyone?
Can be reached at dick
Dutch product designer Mark Sturkenboom has designed an elegant dildo2 that holds exactly 21 grams of your loved one’s ashes. This sleek streamlined gold-plated glass member includes a scent diffuser and an iPod docking station to set the mood with just the right ambiance to accompany your glass-penis-encased-ash. These items are beautifully encapulated and displayed in an equally elegant white case. The thoughtfully designed items could easily blend into any Apple store shelf or table.
Furthermore, the box includes a built in keepsake drawer to hold a number of your dead lover’s mementos and bobbles. Perhaps Mr. Greaves’ clove bubble gum, more of his beloved fan mail chock-ful of demands for virgins, hot blondes, pussy, and wieners. Perhaps the drawer simply holds his favorite writing pen or switch blade. Once Mr. Greaves’ memorial has concluded, 21 grams of Mr. Greaves will be lovingly placed into the urn dildo and displayed in it’s elegant white box on the Satanic Temple’s mantle above the fireplace. We will not allow the urn dildo to be placed in any unsavory locations. We’re Satanists not animals.
Mr. Greaves’ ostentacious memorial will include performance art with a dash of tastefully executed nudity and just the right amount of dirty jokes. An event so ostentatious specific details of the celebration will become muddled and many facts removed elevating Mr. Greaves’ memorial into myth. The memorial soundtrack will include songs from Lucien Greaves’ own band Satanic Planet. Renditions of songs such as “Baphomet” and “Devil In Me” will be performed by chamber orchestra. It’s well known fact that if you play “Devil In Me” by Satanic Planet backwards, it’s actually about a girl Mr. Greaves had a crush on in high school.3.
In 2019 Today.com reported a unusual story pertaining to the use of a dead loved one’s ashes.4 Apparently a young bride incorporated her dead father’s ashes into her wedding day manicure. Her father would now be able to escort her down the aisle and this helped the young bride cope with the unimaginable grief of not having her father on one of the most important days of her life. The nails were stunning.
If your loved one enjoyed watching programs such as “Forensic Files”, “Unsolved Mysteries” and “Naked and Afraid” this burial has their name on it. In Cullowhee, North Carolina the Forensic Osteology Research Station offers the “body farm.”5 Dead bodies are donated to the body farm. The decesed bodies are introduced to different elements and the decomposing bodies are then studied by students, law enforcement and forensics.6 The different states of decomposition give the students a better understanding of how different elements effect decomposition and how decomposition can look over time. Your loved one decomposing for the sake of science. Poetic.
Furthermore, after the ceremony has ended and the ashes have settled, Mr. Greaves professed unto his flock and all those wise enough to listen.
“All the credible scientific evidence points to my ground pieces reconstructing themselves after a seven headed hydra terrorizes the Earth and Jesus returns in a white & gold track suit to tell me if I had been a good republican or not.”
Let thy will be done Sir. Bravo Sir. Wonderful.
I have set aside a special project with the remaining ashes of Mr. Greaves. As an graphics artist I will carefully incorporate the ashes of Mr. Greaves into pottery clay and begin to shape and form a most elegant statue of a seven-headed Baphomet. The Mr. Greaves-Baphomet-ash statue will be used as a most perfect alter. The seven-heads of Baphomet reared in anger and revolt. Ready to strike and maul. A Baphomet ready to protect and fight for those who seek his shelter. An alter where inappropriate requests, inappropriate fan mail, naked pictures, secrets, shameful email print-outs, lewd poems and illustrations will be laid at the feet of the Greaves-ash-Baphomet statue to be honored for perpetuity. Have a note from an angry Bishop with Daddy issues? Lay it at the feet of the Greaves-ash-Baphomet statue. Lay your burdens down. He will carry them. And we will pray. Is that another Satanic Haiku derived from fan mail? Let’s begin.
My name is Val Ashe
Can suck my Pussy all day
Live at Caryll Road
Mr. Greaves’ memorial will be filmed in high quality HD. Once we have finished executing the recording, video of the memorial will be sold to the highest bidder. I will create a bidding war so epic it will make the sensational-money-making-satanic-panic-articles that destroyed scores of lives for profit seem trivial.
Hail Satan.
Mr. Greaves is more of a Cyber Monday kind of guy? (Thank you @InkedWitch77)
https://marksturkenboom.com/
Thank you to Alex Davis from the Youtube comments. I owe you one.
https://www.today.com/style/bride-includes-father-s-ashes-manicure-so-he-could-hold-t164750
Link to Body Donation Program: https://www.med.unc.edu/ome/academicaffairs/body-donation-lab-support/body-donation/
In 2020, Newsweek wrote that feral cats where breaking into the body farms in order to eat the decomposing human flesh. They stated "Cats showed preference for bodies in relatively early decomposition.” https://www.newsweek.com/feral-cat-eat-human-corpse-1482549